Unconventional and REAL

Marriage is a job. Marriage is work. Marriage is hard. Marriage is a sacrifice. Marriage is a liability. Marriage is an asset. Marriage is intention. Marriage is privilege. Marriage is joy. Marriage is peace. Marriage is friendship. Marriage is value. Marriage is opportunity. Marriage is partnership. Marriage is choice. Marriage is uplifting. Marriage is cherished. Marriage is zeal. Marriage is thrill.

It is all about perspective. Some marriages stand, endure, overcome, influence, inhale, exhale – live to tell – tell it all. The good, the great, the lessons and the blessings. Other marriages allow pride to invade and persuade. Overwhelm, underwhelm, pretense, intent. Let’s talk about it. Let’s be honest and precise.

You decided to embark upon the journey to search for your partner, your friend, your comfort, your safe space because life shared eases the load would be someone’s thought by default. My perspective includes, it is the addition of bliss and power that questions if there ever is a load because of what naturally happens due to desire and choice.

Resetting, reflecting, regrouping, but with the one you chose makes the space more possible, enjoyable, less exasperating, a sigh of relief and it makes you my person. What does that mean? My person wants to, gets to, wakes up to live a life with me that is more liberating because of connectedness. My person is my cornerstone, God-given anchor. An anchor that feels it before it occurs and strengthens and tightens the grip. An anchor that expands to fit the hole preventing irreparable breaks and cracks.

Marriage is power. Marriage is maintenance. Marriage is attention. Marriage is appeal. Marriage is perspective. Marriage is all the things it has been designed to be. The root of family. The institution that delivers through the generations. Delivers blessings, moments, traditions. I get it, I get the opposing view, but for the sake of positive achievability, let’s be realistic, yes, optimistic and true. All things are possible, even a positive approach and viewpoint on marriage.

Your words have power. Power to transform. To heal. To redeem. To set free. To hurt. To harm. To motivate. To dictate. To persuade. To dissuade. Your words have the ability to transform your current state of being…existing…into living the life you desire. You choose. Be it simple and satisfying or extreme and electric.

Throughout your day, be aware of what you say and how you say what you say. Is it with fervor, passion, belief, pity, doubt, negativity? Are you questioning, analyzing, lecturing, condescending? Does your word semantics engage peace or chaos?

When I’m engaging as a mediator, the art of questioning spark thoughts, engage dialogue, invites resolution, which leads to the discovery of the why and how to navigate conflict resolution. All through the power of diction. Language. Power is the force that enables your ability. Words are used to create, to cause, to inform, to uplift. Powerful words dictate powerful forces.

As I have entered into a new decade, I have been mindful of forty nuggets of wisdom.

1. It won’t always be this way.
2. Don’t miss the moment.
3. Learn the lesson.
4. Be aware of what is happening, what is being said. Read the room.
5. Laugh a lot.
6. Don’t forget to care.
7. It’s normal to cry about what hurts you, but it’s even more okay to use it to move on courageously.
8. Don’t let your past failures prevent your future successes.
9. Your words have power.
10. Word is bond.
11. Time is essential.
12. Be mindful.
13. Live it with all you got.
14. Be kind even towards fools.
15. Advocate for yourself, they are only humans with opinions.
16. Sit in silence and be aware of what you’re doing and why.
17. Wonder.
18. Ask why.
19. Pay your bills on time.
20. Save your money.
21. Save your energy from all things that don’t concern you.
22. Growth mindset over fixed mindset everyday.
23. You are a quiet inspiration.
24. If not now, then when?
25. What are you so afraid of?
26. Why aren’t you beginning?
27. Be positive.
28. First love yourself.
29. Those who worship Him should do so truthfully and freely.
30. God is real no matter what anyone tells you.
31. Old school still works.
32. True love still waits.
33. You will know when it’s real.
34. A decluttered space is a decluttered mind. Twenty minutes of household maintenance daily.
35. Make your bed daily.
36. Clean out a drawer daily.
37. Celebrate the successes.
38. Take care of your mind, body and spirit.
39. Remember how far you’ve come.
40. No means no.

It’s wise to keep the elderly around as you will always have the gems of the past to carry out the future and appreciate the present. How soon we forget what worked! What must we do when we have run out of options? Where do we turn? Back to the basics. Back to your why? Back to belief. Back to acting upon your faith, hopes and dreams.

The Lord is our provider. He takes care of us. I am patient. God cares. He knows my heart. He sees me. He trusts me. I am His. He is mine. I am a leader. I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful. I can do hard things. I am loved. I am enough. I am the righteousness of God.

He sees. He cares. He is concerned. He is directing. He is driving. He is protecting. He is steering. He is navigating. He is aware. He has a plan. He is unfolding it. I am trusting. I am learning. I do not know. I do know where He leads I will follow. He is a wonder. I am discovering. I am trusting.

This is a season of manifestation. Enjoy each moment. Pay attention. Grow up. Be gentle. Be quiet. Trust Him. Listen to Him. Be anxious for nothing. In everything gives thanks, for this is the will of God concerning Christ Jesus. All because of what has been, there is much to come. Pay attention to how you wait. Compare it to how you used to wait. Is there any growth?

Refine. Improve. Reset. Regroup. Rethink. Don’t overthink. If He said it, that settles it. No matter how terribly you want it, it is still His timing. He does all things well. Has He said it and not done it? Have you prayed and He not responded? Are your spiritual muscles strong enough to uphold the blessings of the Lord? Do you fear the goodness that besets you because of the trauma that has occurred in years past?

Healing comes from facing what was. Getting to the root cause of the behavior begins to uncover the pain, purge and purify the wound. Healing happens. The torment and shame, disdain and debilitating despair of the past no longer has to take precedence over your mind and movement. It has set the tone for the activating of your release and peace. Activation and determination produces newness and liberation which births vision, affirmation, restoration and a plan to accomplish and conquer.

Growth, living and no longer simply existing is attainable. Experiencing and being in the moment that you desire to remember are near. It is worth the journey. Healing is worth it.

Created. Developed. Nurtured. Believed. Performed. Evolved. Internalized. Tired. Tried. Tested. Exhausted. Excited. Fluctuations. Palpitations. It’s all so simple. Life never promises sunshine or rain. Heartache or pain. Decisiveness or indecisiveness. Weariness or peace. It’s all so simple. Life fosters it all. Life fosters your highs, lows, buffaloes and unicorns. Life embraces chaos and confetti. Decide what will be. Decide what feels right. Decide what to release.

What does your intuition tell you? Why must you consult counsel? What do you believe? Have you witnessed signs? Why are you still seeking human validation? Are you rationalizing that which shouldn’t be because this is in the form of what you want, but not the image of what you deserve. Patiently seeking and patiently thinking about what is to come requires mental effort. Use your mental energy to create, develop, devise, revise, reflect on what has been, what is and what shall be. Don’t rob yourself of your present by thinking about your future and grieving your past. Learn from your experiences and cherish your present. Pray for what is to come, but live with vigor and hope. Not to the point of stress and worry. You do realize some folk hope themselves into stress. Meaning they neglect to experience because they expect so much so suddenly.

Have you experienced existing in the present and living in the future? Physically here and mentally envisioning what may become. Is it misery living two lives or is it promising knowing what may be? Is it fair to self to live beyond today? Are you that anxious? It’s all so simple.

You get to decide what is best for you. You get to be honest about your feelings. You are worth the truth. You are enough. You are necessary and you deserve to be decided upon the first opportunity. You are not an after thought. It’s all so simple.

It takes time. Love takes time. Life takes time. Growth takes time. It all takes time. What do you do with the time? What do you do with the dash? How do you feel? How do you overcome this?  How do you accept what is not? How do you appreciate what is? How do you know what was supposed to be is not currently? Isn’t it funny how what we journey through ends up feeling appreciated after the journey ends? On the other side of the journey, do you ever regret not embracing it, not learning valuable lessons, not allowing life to live?

A journey is the path taken to get from one destination to the next. Enjoy the scenic route, the beauty, the feels, the sensations, the thrills, the ups and downs, turnarounds, lessons, blessings, mishaps, miracles, obstacles, the wrong turns. Was that truly a wrong turn? Just because it isn’t the preferred turn, does that make it the wrong turn? What defines it as such? The design of the journey embraces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Does self develop these qualities as the journey is trotted?

Patience is a virtue. Pray until something happens. Pause, seek understanding, be still, honor God. As the evening draws to a close, a sunset is anticipated. As the morning dew settles on the green pasture, the sky awaits the sun to brighten the day and warm the Earth.

Nature anticipates. Humankind anticipates. Development anticipates. Turmoil anticipates. Heartache anticipates. Uncertainty anticipates. Love alleviates. Hope alleviates. Healing alleviates. Release alleviates. Decisiveness alleviates.

In everything, give thanks for this is the will of God concerning you. I Thessalonians 5:18 Seek first the kingdom of God and all of these things will be added. Matthew 6:33 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, present your requests to God because He cares. Philippians 6:7

What are you anticipating? What isn’t going according to your vision? What are you doing until…? How are your emotions? Are you anxious? How do you manage or rid your anxiety? All valid questions for someone experiencing The Great Anticipation.

The average person has endured a period of waiting, whether it has been to marry, conceive a baby, accomplish the ideal career, relocation, mending a relationship. Anticipation triggers an array of emotions including confusion, anxiousness, sadness, grief, envy, exhaustion, regret, doubt, defeat. The moments amount to many of these aforementioned crippling emotions individually and many times coupling. Living through anticipation can be demonstrated in a fulfilling way and mental wellness is imperative. It is the mind that controls what the heart feels and does. When those emotions reside, it is pivotal to have a prepared reaction that will shield you from sulking in one or more of those oppressive emotions. In my moments of anticipation, some days I am more encouraged than others. There are days of despair as well, unfortunately.

Are you anticipating a report for one situation or three? Have you awaited answers for years? In the meantime, write your vision, make it plain. Read it morning and evening. Imbed it into your subconscious. Pray, focus and go after the next right thing. What is the next right thing to do? Small steps glide into leaps and bounds that will land you into your final destination. Affirm, “I am not impulsive. I am patient.” I anticipate what great things the Lord has in store.

In the morning, you have given gentleness, kindness, patience, calmness. In the vigor of the morning, you have provided sun-rays, birds chirping, a risen Savior, a song for the day that resonates in our hearts.

Our mornings are normal. Historically, tears daily and wandering minds inquired, “Is it normal for individuals to cry everyday? Is it normal to yell daily?” Present day, there’s no recollection of the last overwhelming response. Recently, there is no remembrance of days consumed with consecutive big emotions that flooded the gates surrounding green pastures. Because the mornings have evolved, there needs to be a talk about those past days to revisit those feelings to ensure they don’t lie dormant, they don’t fester, they don’t develop resentment. There were insecurities, frustrations, uncertainties, disdainful feelings that drowned the mornings. Now there’s resiliency, recovery, courage, awareness.

God’s greatest gift unto you could be under attack because the enemy is aware of the glory received of God, the prayers ascended, the deliverance experienced, the believers birthed as a result of the gift. Your greatest gift is a reminder of His glory, His capabilities, the possibilities. God has given a constant expression of his goodness and faithfulness by rendering such a blessing! The devil is defeated.

Mornings are filled with love. In the morning, there are greetings filled with passion and enamored with care. In the morning, exudes the anticipation of jubilance shared and received. In the morning, reigns huddles in the kitchen, scurrying to the door, thrills to share moments of gratitude, willingness to listen to praise reports and prayer requests. In the morning, it is another present to unwrap and utilize as opportunities to brightly shine, climb mountains, walk adjacently, listen attentively, uphold one another in care. In the morning, we appreciate, celebrate, anticipate the goodness of the day.

Great morning! It’s a good morning to be a great morning!

If you’re struggling with the loss of a loved one, I want to share some promises with you from the author Clare Mackintosh. Thank you so much to a friend who shared these words a year ago. It has helped me and I hope it helps those who have loss love ones.

I promise this will not always be the first thing you think about in the morning.

I promise you won’t always lie awake at night, sobbing until you can’t breathe.

I promise you will not always feel that hard lump in your throat, like grief is a rock that cannot be moved. It can.

I promise those waves of grief that knock you off your feet will become smaller, less violent. You will be able to stand and let them wash around you, not over you.

I promise walking won’t always feel like you’re dragging your legs through treacle; breathing won’t always be something you have to remember to do. You will do both these things effortlessly again.

I promise you won’t always be winded by someone else’s happiness – their social media updates and photographs. You will smile and feel glad that they have something so special, and that you once had it too.

I promise you will be able to say their name without crying. That you will share a memory and feel wistful; sad, but not broken.

I promise you will not always have to take the day off work on anniversaries, because you are unable to function. You will find something special to mark it, or you will treat it like any other day, and either is okay.

I promise it won’t always hurt like this.

December 13, 2022 will make five years that my late husband has been deceased. Over the years, I have responded to my grief in the following ways. The coping mechanisms serve as support, a rescue, comfort, a reminder that grief is present, but so is the opportunity to endure the sadness that it brings.

Coping mechanisms

• Scheduled prayer time, I have an alarm set for 8:30 p.m.

• Support system

• Grief camp

• Journaling

• Color therapy journal

• Play games with your children, it helps lighten the mood and provides a sense of purpose

• Seek professional therapy

How to Face what you feel, list the emotions, tell the emotions why you feel that way, decide what to do with the feeling. Are you ready to overcome it? Do you want to over come it? Who will help you? Below are emotions that I’ve felt sometimes in isolation, other times simultaneously.

Conflicted

Sad

Hurt

Alone

Uncertain

Insecure

Strong

Masculine

Excited

Happy

Blessed

Thankful

Peaceful

Calm

A joyous and cheerful season that the world anticipates annually may cause irritability, while triggering hypersensitive emotions when you have experienced loss. How do I enjoy the season?

Pause

Cry, ask why, contemplate, brainstorm a plan for my future

Disclose honesty and regrets – so much freedom in vocalizing hurt and acknowledging pain. There is self captivity in holding those emotions hostage.

Engage in festivities

Host Thanksgiving, particularly because my eldest daughter’s birthday is the week prior and she loves to continue the celebration with family.

Travel, pre pandemic we began a new tradition that includes traveling during the month that my spouse passed, which is during the holiday season. Due to his cause of death, anxiety is another feat that I have to manage and I haven’t quite gotten the best practice under weigh to cope.

Incorporate a family tradition in your love one’s memory perhaps the thankful tree, paint a bench, plant a tree, give to a cause, watch your fav movie, prepare your fav’s meal.

Scripture memorization is a tool you can access immediately to mentally shift your feelings of despair. While doing so, a best practice includes removing yourself from the physical space you’re in such as if those feelings begin in the living room or your desk at work, I advise moving outdoors with natural light, to a cafe shop, Target, your favorite retail store to shift your physical mood as you recite your scriptures to shift your mental mood. Below are a few to memorize.

Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” This is who we are: the brokenhearted and crushed in spirit.

Psalm 91 “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” … “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.”

Jeremiah 17:7-8 But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.

It won’t always feel this way. There will be triggers throughout your life, but proclaim your stance in life. Be it, I will live a life of peace. I will be intentional with my day. I will live in the moment. You can do this. How do I know? Because while I am struggling five years later, it matters that I am doing it. Peace!

A year of satisfaction for the sake of mankind and for the uplifting of my spirit. The year of 37, I shared my grief journey with countless widows. I have met and bonded with some phenomenal new people. I have failed my exam a few times. I have used an inappropriate tone and body language with my daughters. I have second guessed myself. I have questioned the path that I have my daughter on in terms of school. I have pondered moving to another continent. I have been dissatisfied with my progress in my career. I have felt inadequate. I have worshipped and praised. I have sat in worship wandering about my tomorrow. I have weeped. I have smiled. I have been honest with myself. I have hoped that I would be a better model for my daughters. I have contemplated what life would be like for my girls if their dad were here. I have had self sabotaging thoughts. I have been thankful. I have felt blessed. I have felt confused. I have felt drained. I have felt left out. I have felt a part. There have been days that I have felt as if where I am is not where I am supposed to be no matter what the saints say.

As a teenager, I’d plan to graduate college, solidify my career, marry, move into a home, have children and live happily ever after. To my surprise, my happily ever after has been painted with a deeper blue than I imagined. I have had prayers answered. Some unanswered. Yes, as fluctuating as my state of being seems, I feel thankful, GRATEful and blessed to have a connection with all five senses, healthy humans who are turning out to be all that God says, great friends, loving family and a decision to live my life to the glory of the Most High God. Goodbye 37 and tomorrow morning I welcome 38 and GRATEful!

As I embark upon this new year around the sun, I anticipate goodness and fondness of all the things that should meet me along the way. I anticipate lessons to learn. I anticipate wisdom to gain. I anticipate communication with patience and understanding. I anticipate caring for me internally and externally. I anticipate discovering and exploring God’s Earth. The moment of anticipation drives thrill and eagerness as I am trusting God on this walk. I am met with much jubilance as I approach the next moment of time. A season to continue my development. A season to continue to gain insight from wise ones. A season to deprogram and shift thinking that stunts connection and correction, which engages my inner self to become greater for the next level within my life. I am gearing up for 38. I am praying for a season of rebirth. I am cultivating seeds of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. This year will be a year of 38 & GRATEr!!!!

So much love to you all!

Be careful how your past hurt may be inflicted upon someone who genuinely loves you. The impact of your hurt may cause stress and fear within someone who wants what is best for you, desires to be near you. If you are not careful, your unhealed wounds will infect those who are near.

This weekend I was mentally bruised by two men. As a result of my tears, there was an abrupt disconnect. What appeared to be abrasive was a reflection of his feelings that he did not want to uncover at that moment. Actually, ever! Hurts me terribly, but as I reflect upon intent and impact, the intent was to protect himself from exposing his vulnerabilities. He did not want me to trigger what is truly deep down inside of him. I will allow him time and space to contact me. The other gentleman felt disrespected because my intent was viewed as malicious rather than a way of escape, a means to diffuse a disgruntlement, but the impact terminated the beginning of a strong friendship. Or was it? The lesson learned is to hear with your heart and not your head. Keep the goal in mind. Identify the value within the relationship. Is it worth salvaging or trashing? Is anything so bad that it can’t be resolved amongst two mature adults who have one common goal, connectivity, chemistry, oneness? Be it due to pure friendship everlasting or exclusivity.

I empathize with him in terms of the effects of being impulsively disconnected. Fault was admitted and an apology was given, but not accepted. It is funny how, mentally, I think I’m taking the necessary steps to prevent issues and things begin to operate smoothly. Suddenly, an explosion sets everything on fire causing destruction to all progress. What I meant to use in order to calm chaos so that the discussion may be better handled once revisited, negated everything that was given within our time spent because of one or two mishaps. That truly does weigh the strength of what was or what was to come. I remember when Cleo I and were at a wedding. The preacher mentioned if a marriage had been tested and tried and the couple remained within holy matrimony that proved the marriage sustainable and definitely title worthy. You know, bragging rights? Intentional friendships, exclusive relationships take desire, forgiveness, patience and understanding. These qualities will maintain any relation in a healthy manner.

What I find to be fascinating is how some of us allow defeat to abort possibilities, progress, potential. The moments spent mattered, but the moments possible will never be. That is ok and it is not ok. It is ok because what and who God has for me is for me. It is not ok because there was a positive and careful intent behind every action that was made lovingly and willingly. It felt good residing in this newness. However short lived, the lessons learned amongst the two circumstances include; some individuals are bruised, broken, safeguarded, and lack proper problem solving skills. Let’s commit to internal healing all 2022, beginning now. It starts with me. I’ve committed to answering my phone all 2022, beginning today, which was a good start.

So much love to you all!